Wholly Committed in the pig pen

Posted in Blog Escape from Perfect Isle | 49 comments


I realized three things are keeping me from wholly committing again.  I say “again” because you couldn’t have found a much more sold out person than I was 10 years ago.

Three revelations of the heart:

  1.  “If I make one more bad decision, then this whole life will just topple over.  It’s already leaning heavily because of my other bad decisions in the last decade”
  2. “If you were proud of me, my life would look different.  You would have given me a normal situation, a husband, kids, a house in the suburb.  Therefore you are not proud of me and I am fearful of disappointing you even more.”
  3. God and I made some commitments to each other:  He would be clear if he was actually punishing me, and I would stop thinking every bad thing was a punishment.  I would start believing he had good intentions towards me.  That I didn’t hear wrong, and this might actually still be his path instead of a punishment

It was the most beautiful, peaceful glassy evening on the water.  It was as if God was wooing me.  It was our date night.  So why was I hesitating?  I had been sold out before.  I did some crazy things for God.  So where did this hesitation come from?

My heart is so confused.  I’m not where I thought I would be in life, and if I had been following God, wouldn’t my life look different?  Therefore I must have heard wrong, made bad decisions, or maybe God is punishing me.

He answered me with the story of the prodigal.  Have you ever noticed as you read that story that the son didn’t wash before the father put the family robes and the fine jewelry on him. 

I grew up on a pig farm, so trust me…..the prodigal son stank.  Even dried pig dung stinks.  Big time. 

But the father dressed him while he was still dirty.  And last weekend, he was clothing me and dressing me.  He doesn’t smell the stink.  Really.  Honestly.  Even in our darkest moments, in our greatest failures, he still doesn’t care that we are sitting in the middle of a pig pen covered in that foul stink.  Even in that pig pen, he sees us clothed in robes of righteousness.  He only sees our true character and it is always beautiful to him. The repentant heart is always lifted out of the dung.

And so date night ended with me wholly committing again. 

I said #yestogod.  I am #whollycomitted.

49 Comments

  1. Billie this is awesome and thank you for sharing! Powerful!

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    • Thanks Robin! Your words mean a lot.

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      • YOUR words meant a lot. God has obviously given you the gift of writing. I’m looking forward to the ministry God is birthing through you, thank you for saying ‘yes’ and blessing us with your blog and I’m grateful that God has blessed us with you. You are an my #amazing lady my friend. <3

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        • Oh Robin – thank you soooo much. God has the gift of writing….it is just my fingers typing and me saying “yes, I will sit down and write”. You bless me with your words of encouragement!

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  2. God is sooooo good to us, I’m so glad he revealed the fact of no washing to you, never occurred to me……he loves us even with dung, great great thoughts!!!! Thanks for sharing them…..

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    • I know Nicole! Isn’t that the best visual?! God is good in the different perspectives he gives on his never changing word. 2,000 years later there is still something new and fresh.

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  3. Girl I loved this. Especially the three points at the first. So often we assume everything we don’t like or agree with must be a punishment. When it’s not that at all. Love!

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    • Thanks Stephanie for writing what you specifically liked. That always helps me. I am usually quick to take the blame on myself. Oopsland is founded to help me walk out of Perfect Isle! I need this journey just as much as everyone else. xo

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  4. I needed this. My life is not where I thought it would be and the sad thing is I can say some of it was my bad decisions and some of it is when I said yest to God, I thought things would turn out WAY different. Now, I’m trying to figure out how to trust and love God, and say yes to God again in the daily grind of, “this is not how it should be.”

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    • Couldn’t agree more Angela. The daily grind…I like that. I am reminded this morning to bloom where I am planted, even if it is in mucky, icky soil that is NOT where I thought my seed was going LOL

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  5. Billie, Your blog caught my eye because we raised our first pigs this year (they are now tasty in the freezer) And the first sentence of your post had me hooked! I too have struggled because we’re not where I thought we’d be. I wrote about God’s forgiveness this week. I love the way you put the picture in my mind of dirty, filthy, smelly prodigal covered by beautiful robes. It makes forgiveness all the more amazing.

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    • Thanks Christine! God had me with that picture too. His grace is so amazing.

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  6. He loves us even when we’re still stinky from the pig pen—What a great message when we feel insecure and discouraged and certain we’ve disappointed Him. Thanks for the reminder of His grace!!!

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    • Great summary Heather! And yes, his grace is so amazing….way beyond anything I can comprehend.

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  7. Wow! Thank you for sharing your heart….loved reading this and it was so “real”!

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    • Thanks Dottie! That means a lot since authenticity is one of my core values. So thanks.

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  8. Billie – this is awesome! You have “UNIQUEness” and I love it! You are YOU and you write and speak with your own personal style, uniqueness. It shouts BILLIE! It’s your heart and soul – it’s real – it’s not sugar coated – it’s perfect. Your message here is beautiful…. I loved this: But the father dressed him while he was still dirty. And last weekend, he was clothing me and dressing me. – OH WOW. I immediately saw that vision in my mind and I stood in awe. WOW. Powerful! Love you and so thankful for your heart. God has big plans for you and I am going to be right there when He sweeps you off your feet!

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    • Oh Kelley – stop it….you’ll make me cry! You have a unique perspective on my disbelief, having heard it all first hand LOL Thanks so much for your encouragement!!

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      • “disbelief” is not a good word…….I think it’s more you question your purpose and your place. You have found it and may not even realize it! I love spending time in Ooopsland – you are one creative writer! :) Glad you #SayYes and super glad you are Wholly Committed!

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  9. I loved your three revelations of the heart. I too have heard similar things from God but I love that His truth does reign supreme when all is said and done. Blessings!

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    • Thanks Mary! It’s good to know I am not alone.

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  10. Wow that was awesome,I loved how you used the prodigal son in that God takes all the dirt and messes of life and makes them beautiful. We don’t have to be perfect God uses us when we give Him our availability and our journey in life to reach others. Thanks for sharing that God uses cracked pot and touches others lives through our circumstances and even when we are dirty and stinky in the pig pen. Thanks for touching my heart.
    Marilyn V OBS Group Leader

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    • Thanks Marilyn – we are all cracked pots in one way or another. I’d rather be cracked than perfect! :)

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  11. Loved your blog. Thanks for sharing that God can use us even through the messes of life to reach and touch someone else through our story. Loved your honesty and how God uses us dirt and all. I could picture the prodigal son in the pig pen and how we don’t have to clean up for God to accept us. We come as we are and He loves us.
    Marilyn V OBS Group Leader

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  12. God is so good, even when we’re not. I’m so thankful that my goodness is not dependent upon His. Thank you so much for sharing your heart today!

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  13. So, I’m cleaning the litter box this morning and your blog comes to mind. It is just so true that He takes us as we are and where we are and loves us in spite of ourselves. Thanks so much for reminding me to get out of the litter box this morning!

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  14. Billie – I am sitting at work with tears coming down :’)

    “But the father dressed him while he was still dirty. And last weekend, he was clothing me and dressing me. He doesn’t smell the stink. Really. Honestly. Even in our darkest moments, in our greatest failures, he still doesn’t care that we are sitting in the middle of a pig pen covered in that foul stink.”

    I was dressed when I was dirty and wretched with stink. So grateful for His grace.
    Thank you for blessing this sister today!

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    • Thank you for sharing your story today on your blog. God’s grace is so very good to all of us!

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  15. Thanks so much for sharing your heart, Billie! Know that you are SO not alone in your struggles with seeing certain moments in life as God’s perfect plan and not God’s perfect “punishment.” I can relate! I actually wrote about this just the other day on my blog. I love how you point out and remind us of the prodigal son being dirty… physically smelly. Yet, God loved Him in the midst of his filthiness and clothed him as only God can. That connects with me in a powerful way!

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    • Thanks Kim! I’ll have to go check out what you wrote about the other day :)

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  16. Awesome post Billie, love how you show through the prodigal son and the pig pen that God accepts us no matter what we have done, dirt and all and can use us just as we are , imperfection and all. No matter what God loves us. Thanks for sharing.
    Marilyn V (OBS Group Leader)

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    • Thanks Marilyn! Love our imperfections :)

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  17. God’s grace is more than any of us deserve and yet He gives is so generously and lovingly to His children. It’s in all those imperfections that can used for His glory. Loved your post!! Thanks for sharing :)

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    • Amen – let’s use them for his glory!

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  18. Billie,

    Thanks for this! I was prayer journaling tonight after I finished answering some of the questions at the end of chapter 4, and I was telling God that I felt like my actions during this study seemed too much “on the surface.” I, too, struggle with wholly commiting myself to the Lord, because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do it. It’s such a horrible situation to be in. When I get this way, I usually give up on the study I’m doing, curl up into a ball in my bed, and cry, or worry, or sleep. I give up. I don’t want to give up. I want to push past this.

    Thank you for posting this. I needed to read it. :)

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    • Kristina – please push past. I get exactly what you said, but keep going. I promise you can do it. It doesn’t matter if all you can give is 1 tiny moment more. It is one movement closer to God. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Keep going! You CAN do this!

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  19. Love your analogy with the pig pen- so appropriate. I am definitely going to copy you and try some of these beautiful “date nights” with God!!

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    • Yes, Candace, please do some date nights with God. It’s kind of weird at first, especially if you have a family, but his wooing meets needs deep in our soul.

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  20. I relate to you! I have a husband and kids, but no house in the suburbs. He brought us down to an unfinished house with years of junk in the basement… I too was on fire… 12 years ago. Bad choices, hardened hearts. And God said, clean out the basement. I procrastinated. Then I finally said Yes Lord and started dealing with our physical junk. Then my marriage almost came to an end and I was like Really?! And God started to “clean house” with my husband, with me… It feels like He is lifting us out of the dung pit we dug ourselves in. I relate to punishment. I deserve it. I am learning to see the love He showed to the prodigal and learning to believe that I am blessed to get a chance to be loved as the prodigal was. Thank you for saying it. Again.

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    • So good Eva – thank you for sharing your story too! Love how much we have in common on this journey.

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  21. Beautiful blog Billie! I am a real visual learner and your style of writing enabled me to visualize as I read. Thank you! I too struggle with feeling way to often that I am not good enough or that I am continually letting Him down…Yet, times like when I read your blog I am reminded that God’s grace is enough. Thank you!!

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    • Thanks for your comments Shelly! I’m a visual/audio learner too, which is why my blogs will probably be short with bullet points LOL.

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  22. glad I chose to click on this blog! loved reading your reflections from Oopsland – a place we all visit or camp out at from time to time! 😉

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