I realized three things are keeping me from wholly committing again. I say “again” because you couldn’t have found a much more sold out person than I was 10 years ago.
Three revelations of the heart:
- “If I make one more bad decision, then this whole life will just topple over. It’s already leaning heavily because of my other bad decisions in the last decade”
- “If you were proud of me, my life would look different. You would have given me a normal situation, a husband, kids, a house in the suburb. Therefore you are not proud of me and I am fearful of disappointing you even more.”
- God and I made some commitments to each other: He would be clear if he was actually punishing me, and I would stop thinking every bad thing was a punishment. I would start believing he had good intentions towards me. That I didn’t hear wrong, and this might actually still be his path instead of a punishment
It was the most beautiful, peaceful glassy evening on the water. It was as if God was wooing me. It was our date night. So why was I hesitating? I had been sold out before. I did some crazy things for God. So where did this hesitation come from?
My heart is so confused. I’m not where I thought I would be in life, and if I had been following God, wouldn’t my life look different? Therefore I must have heard wrong, made bad decisions, or maybe God is punishing me.
He answered me with the story of the prodigal. Have you ever noticed as you read that story that the son didn’t wash before the father put the family robes and the fine jewelry on him.
I grew up on a pig farm, so trust me…..the prodigal son stank. Even dried pig dung stinks. Big time.
But the father dressed him while he was still dirty. And last weekend, he was clothing me and dressing me. He doesn’t smell the stink. Really. Honestly. Even in our darkest moments, in our greatest failures, he still doesn’t care that we are sitting in the middle of a pig pen covered in that foul stink. Even in that pig pen, he sees us clothed in robes of righteousness. He only sees our true character and it is always beautiful to him. The repentant heart is always lifted out of the dung.
And so date night ended with me wholly committing again.
I said #yestogod. I am #whollycomitted.